What I've learnt from...

… watching Mama

1. Badass bass playing chicks don’t like having babies…
2. A recession can cause people to kill their wives and kidnap their children
3. When driving on an icy road, make sure your little daughter doesn’t disturb you
4. Try not to kill your kids in an abandoned cabin.. Try not to kill them at all… Mama don’t appreciate that shit…
5. Mama doesn’t know how to cook but she can sure find cherries in winter…
6. Kids can survive on cherries alone…
7. If you manage to find your twin brother’s kids and they’re a bit feral, just give them up for adoption… Or sell the story to a tabloid, make a reality TV show.. Just don’t bring them into your home…
8. A shrink will give you a house if you let him study your kids…
9. As with all horror movies these days, little girls are nothing but trouble…
10. If Mama doesn’t like you, she’ll chuck you down the stairs… Wear appropriate shoes at all time… And maybe a crash helmet…
11. If you’re going to go to a creepy cabin to investigate supernatural shit, leave in the morning so it doesn’t get dark by the time you get there…
12. Always take a spare torch…
13. An SLR camera is not a good alternative for a torch…
14. If you need a new laptop, you can go to a psychiatrist’s office, they leave laptops lying around willy nilly…
15. If you look in the archives of some gritty old town, you may find some baby skeletons…
16. If a rich aunt want to take care of the creepy kids, let her have them!
17. If your body get’s taken over by Mama, you get pretty good at break dancing… Mama’s got some moves!
18. If you have two kids, chances are one of them will be a bit dim and will want to fly off with some crazy ghost…
19. If your kid niece falls off a cliff with a ghost, she won’t die, she’ll just become a moth, it’s rather pretty!

On a serious note, Mama was a very decent horror movie…8/10

… watching Resident Evil: Retribution

1. You can put coins in your gun and shoot a helicopter pilot through the windscreen.

2. Kicking a zombie will temporarily paralyse it.

3. When you knock a zombie down, it will wait till you kick the shit out of it’s zombie friend before getting back up.

4. You can fight zombies with a bike chain.

5. If a cute Japanese girl is getting wet in the rain because she doesn’t have an umbrella, she’s probably a zombie.

6. Alice never wonders why she always wakes up almost naked after she is captured in these movies.

7. When Umbrella capture you, they put your clothes in a motorised drawer moulded EXACTLY to fit your outfit.

8. You can throw a pistol’s magazine in the air, kill two zombies and then catch your magazine, reload your pistol and shoot another zombie… Zombies aren’t very quick these days.

9. Alice ‘remembers everything’ but doesn’t remember getting married to the guy who died in a previous movie and doesn’t remember having a daughter.

10. Some deaf girls can hear nothing, but they can hear zombies hence surviving in a cupboard.

11. You can outrun zombies in a Toyota Prius.

12. If you save Alice and her daughter in your Prius, don’t expect her to help you after you car crashes, she will leave you to die in there… The bitch..

13. When an enemy fires a cluster bomb, you have enough time to shoot a big circle into the floor and hide so the explosion doesn’t harm you.

14. You can control a hottie by attaching a tacky looking spider mind control unit to her titties.

15. Two trained soldiers can’t hold down one genetically modified Latina and will get their arses handed to them.

16. Ada Wong always has a plan.

17. The Umbrella Corporation tend not to clone fat people… Or Black people…

On a serious note, the movie was terrible, it’s a shame but wasn’t a surprise since every one of the Resident Evil movies have been rubbish since the first one…

… watching Skyfall

1. If you accidentally shoot your fellow agent, reload your gun and shoot the bad guy, since he’s the only one left now
2. When wearing a strapless dress, strap a Beretta 70 to your leg.. Just in case
3. If you have a Chinese character tattooed on your wrist, chances are you’re a scared and insecure hooker
4. MI6 don’t issue exploding pens anymore
5. If you spend 5 months being tortured, you’ll turn into a gay psycho with serious mummy issues
6. When the identities of your agents become compromised, extract them from the field otherwise videos of them being executed will end up on YouTube
7. Watch out for Komodo Dragons, they’re bloody sneaky
8. Always keep a vintage bulletproof Aston Martin DB5 with an ejector seat and hidden machine guns in your garage.. Just in case you need to go to Glencoe with your boss
9. James Bond doesn’t suffer from hypothermia after plunging into a frozen over lake… But still can’t do more than 5 pull ups
10. You can drive through a packed Turkish market in your Land Rover and not hit anyone
11. Be careful when driving through a packed Turkish market in your Land Rover, just in case Liam Neeson’s daughter is throwing hand grenades out of her hotel window
12. When faced with catastrophe, strangely none of MI6’s agents are available to help… Apart from Bond.. Naturally…
13. Derek Zoolander’s phone was issued by MI6
14. You can drive from Westminster to Canary Wharf in 4 minutes
15. Hydrogen Cyanide may not kill you but it will rot your teeth and cheekbones
16. If you want an island to yourself, tell the inhabitants that there has been a chemical leak, they’ll just leave
17. If you manage to capture your super intelligent villain very easily, chances are it’s a trap.. Just shoot him, it’s easier
18. Despite being a pressurised container, shooting a CO2 fire extinguisher will turn it into a smoke machine
19. If you shoot your fellow agent, you’ll end up working at reception.. Forever…
20. You can pick up a gun from a geek in a Parka in the National Gallery
21. You can’t crash at M’s house
22. 12 gauge shotgun shells fit into broken light bulbs with no modification
23. Voldermort now works for MI6, Harry Potter is screwed

On a serious note, Skyfall was one of the best Bond movies. Beautifully shot, good cast, great plot and the one of the best villains since Heath Ledger’s Joker… 9/10

… watching Looper

1. Criminals have access to time machines but only use them to dispose of bodies
2. If you want to make a good investment, buy a Mark 1 Mazda MX-5, they’re pretty hip in the future
3. You can power a car using three ugly looking solar panels on the bonnet
4. Go to a diner where a waitress has a short name with less letters
5. The drugs in the future seem pretty badass and easy to take
6. Don’t stand in front of a door that swings outwards and show off by swinging a gun around
7. In the future, if someone steals your shit, you can shoot him in the back in broad daylight, no one will care
8. Bruce Willis is pretty much bullet proof
9. In the future, Bruce Willis loses his sense of style
10. You’ll meet the love of your life after being punched in the face in a bar fight
11. If you introduce yourself to a woman and she gives you the finger, you’ll sleep with her and she’ll fall in love with you
12. If you know that baddies will come for you in 30 years, install a home security system
13. If your son is super intelligent, chances are he’s a psycho with crazy powers
14. If your son is a psycho with crazy powers, buy a safe to hide from him when he has a hissy fit
15. If your son is super intelligent with crazy psychic powers, put him up for adoption before he kills your sister, he ain’t worth the hassle
16. If a cute chick has a son with crazy psychic powers and she owns a safe, dump that ho, she ain’t worth the hassle 
17. Invest in Gold and Silver, that shit will be around forever
18. That chick from Coyote Ugly failed as a singer, she ended up being a single mom hooker… Hollywood lies!
19. Learn Mandarin!
20. If you tell bad guys the combination to your safe, change the combination so they don’t steal your shit
21. If the future you gives you some advice, shut up and take it
22. If you know you’re gonna meet the past you, do him/ her a favour and take a few years worth of winning lottery numbers with you

That said, Looper was brilliant. Joseph Gordon-Levitt did a great job impersonating Bruce Willis, the story was good, it was shot well.. Go watch it… 8/10… One of the best time travel movies made…

… watching The Possession

1- The first person to die in the film was the only Black person in the film.. I thought Hollywood was over that shit…
2- If your daughter starts acting strange and has a huge appetite, she’s been taken over by a demon and hasn’t been raiding your weed stash
3- Don’t ask your daughter to eat her food slowly and chew 30 times, she’ll

… watching Taken 2

1- A mid 90’s Mercedes saloon can be used as a battering ram and still not have a single scratch
2- You can throw hand grenades all over central Istanbul and not get into trouble
3- People who kidnap you will leave you in a room all alone so you can make 10 minute phonecalls to brief your daughter on how to mark a map to find you
4- Tough Albanian villains can be killed by just pushing them towards a wall

5- Albanian villains will point a gun at you and hold your wife hostage and wait patiently while you call your daughter to tell her to hide, they are decent enough not to listen in on the phonecall